...and speaking of wizards and all things totally haunted

i've been fucking psyched lately on the band 'electric wizard' ....they're like the black sabbath DOOOOOOM, but post-shock value and without an autistic singer/songwriter that came back from the dead to do reality t.v./insurance/whatever the fuck commercials. being a wizard is tight... listening to wizard music is tight.... but being a wizard and listening to wizard music is like other world shit ya know, it's like... and then i was all like, and they were like NO WAY! ....and i was like nuh uhhhhhhhhhhhh. watch this 'electric wizard' video that's actually just the music set to the first 10 minutes of a film called begotten. the film quality is top-notch and if you want to know what happens in this crucial 10 minutes (spoiler alert!!!!!!) GOD DISEMBOWELS HIMSELF AND GIVES BIRTH TO MOTHER NATURE.... that's what the fuck is up.

if you're feelin' the wizard sound you may want to just go ahead and get your hat rack bashed by another band i think worthy of mention.... 'black cobra'. almost anything that has to do with DOOOOOOM metal that involves wizards or cobras for that matter.

an honorable mention goes to the band 'sex cobra' for having the name i most wish i had been given at birth. this band doesn't really rock the microphone that hard, but they keep it old guys real. this sounds more like some in the tape deck and on the road with horseshoe balding pattern and a leather vest adorned with no less than 2 american legion patches type of jams. this is some shit that ''that one uncle'' everyone has would be really into if he weren't too drunk and distracted by ''worn out'' women to remember...... all you uncles out there do your thing though... if you can't go home with a ''10'' then take home two ''5's'' ....also in the cobra department is the lovely german duo 'cobra killer' ...these two fabulous young women from germany dress like WWII era housewives, play synths, sample, sing, hoola hoop, and pour red wine on themselves as well as the audience whilst doing it all. can't make that shit up.

and to tie it all together (loosely) ...if nothing here was raw enough, check out 'antaeus'. the video for their top 40 smash hit 'blood war III' is about as close to the pinnacle of human achievement as one can get without getting the babel treatment. the name 'antaeus' actually comes from greek mythology. the son of poseidon and gaia, antaeus was a giant who would challenge anyone he met to a wrestling match and kill them to collect their skull for a tower built in honor of his father. unfortunately, he only had the strength of a giant when in contact with the earth (his mother) and alas hercules (who apparently kicked the shit out every person, place, and thing known to anyone in that time) lifted him into the air and hugged him to death.... how romantic. the band however is not greek, they are french... which seems kind of like an oxymoron for being black metal. hmmmmmm..... french black metal... doing a song about war? i thought the french approach to war was to just surrender. the french seem to me to be kind of like the hog-nosed snake of western war. for those of you who might not be serpent savvy, these snakes never bite. it's true. when they get scared they actually play dead.... or they go to their plan-b defense which is to flare up and immitate a cobra....... even though the two types (cobras and hog-nosed) don't even exist on the same continent.

man, what a crazzzy parrrty.

if you don't know where to start, try the beginning...

if you're reading this, then you probably already know me and/or what it is exactly you're getting into.... if not, i will elaborate. first and foremost you need to understand that i don't especially care about your feelings. i do, however, intend to set shit off and push the known boundaries of fun. this may include (but isn't limited to): keepin' it crunk, ballin' n' flossin' in the club, ballin' n' flossin' at your grandmamma's silver wedding anniversary party, bustin' some ill wizard party* hi-jinx type shit, mobbin', bouncin', world travel, sitting with a good friend on the curb in front of a convenience store and drinking the cheapest alcohol they sell, babble-boxin', spittin' hot fire, spittin' that bible code, throwin' bones, dice games, sneaking in, sneaking out, hot hot skateboard love affairs, learning the hard way, spending the day at the museum, fishin', copyright infringement, dirty deeds, mayhem, plundering , pillaging, debauchery, social terrorism, salting the earth, going forth, laying waste, and all types of ill shit. ect.....





*for those of you who don't yet know about the joy and wonder that is the ''wizard party'', do continue....

how it works:

first, you must aquire a lot of beer (in cans) ....not a lot like enough to get your little sister tipsy, a lot like you've been sailing the frozen arctic deep for weeks, plundering small villages and you've developed an insatiable king's thirst. then follow these simple instructions, fresh off the mothafuckin' scroll:


attach thy freshy to thy empty with thy tape of duct. when thy staff is taller than thyself, one has achieved 'wizard' status.

what this means is you drink a beer, and when it's empty, you put your new beer on top of the empty one and tape them together to build your staff. when the staff is taller than you, you are a wizard..... if you are the first person to achieve wizard status, then you are the BOSS-WIZARD and have full range to dog cuss all serfs, peasants, and sub-wizards as you see fit.

example dialogue:

sub-wizard: hey man, grab me a beer while you're up.

BOSS-WIZARD: fuck nahh, dare you address me as if i were a lowly stable boy?

sub-wizard: dude, just grab me a beer.

BOSS-WIZARD: do you see this staff bitch? I am the ONE-TRUE-BOSS-WIZARD. you can pour yourself a tall glass of my dick and suck it. dost that quench thy thirst peasant?

as you can see, only a TRUE-BOSS-WIZARD can harness such power as to be able to adorn himself in the forbidden velvets and pelts of our fair land.

go forth and lay waste.

XOXO.